Holiday Season

Well here we are, well into November with Thanksgiving a week away! I can feel the melancholy try to settle over me and I'm not sure why. How ridiculous. I have started 4 blogs now dedicated to different things. Fitness, Faith, my daughter, and general updates. I feel better when I write so I'm going to do it. It's amazing how time flies. I keep thinking about where I was a year ago and where I'll be next year. So many changes this year. So many of my friends having babies, another due next year and my brother Josh is going to make me an auntie in June. I'm thrilled. I met my dad, we talk a couple times a week, I talk to my brothers and my step mom. There was some tension with my mom it lasted a minute but it was different. Had 2 relationships this last year and lost 2. Recommitted to my faith. Not that I'd ever left, but recommitted myself to the teaching and learning. On a good note, I had all of my Christmas cards ready to go out a week ago. I'll drop them in the mail the day after Thanksgiving. Yeah I'm a little overzealous sometimes. I'm making some gifts this year. A little ambitious I guess but I'm gonna give it a shot. Sarah is doing well. She's healthy and happy. She's amazing and wonderful and sometimes a pain in the butt. But, I love her so much!!!!! Happy November 18th everyone! ~jeni

Facebook Rant

Sometimes I hate you Facebook. I hate the stupid FV cows and the FV fish, I hate the wild west of FV and I don't want to be part of a mafia. Really though? I hate finding out I'm friends with people who are friends with people I can't stand, or people who've broken my heart. Some days it's too easy to find who I didn't really want to find anyway. Some days Facebook I hate you. Today is that day Facebook. Today I hate you. I hate the way I want to write, want to talk, want to rant. I hate that I'm teased, with glimpses of home, with pictures, and videos, and snippets of lives of the people I miss. I hate you Facebook, because when I am done here, I know that I will refresh my Facebook tab and maybe plant some crops in FV, check on my SPP, and let all of Facebook know that I have updated my blog. I'll respond to questions, quizzes and pithy sayings all of my friends have posted. And next thing I know it'll be time to go home. Sometimes, I HATE you Facebook!

Oklahoma

Nathan
Me and Dad
Sarah, Me and Dad
Dad
Sarah and Josh


I met my dad and 2 other brothers for the first time October 14, 2010. I recognized the eyes, my dad has a long beard that covers his face, but I saw the eyes, so familiar, full of kindness and love. I met my brother Nathan who is so sweet and kind, and Josh who is also kind but a true bad boy at heart. We spent the evening eating pizza and rough housing and getting to know each other. Josh, Sarah, dad and I had a pillow fight, Josh and I swung Sarah around on bedsheets and Sarah jumped from the archway onto their bed over and over and over. There was alot of laughter, Dad shed a few tears, but ultimately we were able to leave the past where it was and move forward. The 15th Josh left in the morning for work, Nathan, Dad, Sarah, my mom and myself went to the Oklahoma Aquarium (AWESOME) out to lunch at a great little diner in Jenks, Oklahoma. Went back to the hotel and Dad took a rest (old) and mom, Sarah, Nathan, and I swan for a bit. Then to top off the first day with his grandbaby, Dad decided we should all go to the Tulsa Zoo. It was certainly a day to remember. Nathan and I managed to get some great pics for his senior photos. (Will be up soon) Breakfast in the morning before we leave. I'm still taking it all in, I love my family. Mama Sarah didn't get to come so she's the only one I haven't met yet. However, Nathan asked me to go to his graduation, and I won't miss that for the world, so I'll meet her then. I think she and I could waste a whole day just shooting the breeze, if our phone conversations are anything to go by. :) Sarah (mine) bonded really quickly with her uncle Josh. She loves Nathan but sees him as someone to tease (Thanks Josh) and sees Uncle Josh as a playmate, against me and Nathan... Sarah loves having a Grandpa again. She really loved her father's dad, but doesn't see him anymore. And when we moved from Idaho she had to leave her Papa Brad behind. Well, the road trip with my mom is amazing, meeting my dad and brothers is amazing and I am sooo blessed! I will post pics when I get home. So, that's the update. Love ya, Jen

O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A Oklahoma, OK!

So I'm traveling to Oklahoma next week to meet my father. I'm nervous and a little scared about it, but I'm sure it'll be fine. God's got my back and plus... my mom's going with me... LOL I'll have to post pics and stuff...

New trainer

I got a new trainer named Hollie. I've had 2 sessions with her and I love it. I love going but somehow I still think of excuses not to go. It's weird but I know I'll feel better, maybe it's just GOING somewhere... So when I'm supposed to be looking in the mirror at my stance and form I actually watch the people working out nearby. They all look at me and think "Thank goodness I'm not her." It's almost funny. I love having Hollie as a trainer and I love the way my body is starting to feel.

Health and Fitness

Things are changing. I'm finding myself thinking more. About what I'm eating. Yeah McDonald's tastes good, but gives me a stomach ache. I have a personal trainer now. Ex football player for the NCAA. He pushes and it hurts but it feels great when we're done. He demands my best. I don't want to be fat anymore. I'm going to change, but it's going to take time and I'm afraid of losing my motivation. (Although Marquell tends to be a good motivator) I'm scared. But something somehow has got to change.

Peace

I'm peaceful. I don't mourn E.C. quite as badly as before, I don't mourn my failed relationship, I have peace. I have more affiliation with people in the Word than I have...ever. I lost two people in my life this week though. Saying what I believe on Facebook and just making comments in general made them upset with me. I was called selfish and rude and careless. I was told I "cram" God down someone's throat. Having a conversation about faith and God to me is not cramming anything anywhere. I worry so much about my friends who aren't saved. One said "It's not like you're a minister" I replied "Not yet but I am working on that." I finally stopped the fight on Facebook because it wasn't getting us anywhere. I finished with I love you. I really thought I'd be sad about it... I'm not. i feel unburdened to not have to constantly try to "people please". I also stopped communication with two people who believe they are christians but acted the opposite. They used my kindness against me and that is my biggest downfall. I used to think that once the hand of friendship was dealt I was lucky to have a friend. I never realized that sometimes we are to let go. It's hard to give emotionally and any other way to people who cannot help uplift you. So I can say I was blessed this week to have several large burdens removed in the shape of people I love. I can now say "Whatever Lord" because I'm leaving them in His care. God is merciful. ~Jesus Loving Princess

Beginnings and New Beginnings

Well my last post for August is one of big news... well big news for me. I turned 27 years old this year and on August 25th I spoke to my father. I have aunts, uncles, a gramma, and cousins galore. I have a father, a step mother and two more brothers. I'm excited and scared and nervous but what a feeling! I know my Perfect Father never gives me anything I can't handle with Him. So, I am working through a bunch of feelings, some I was prepared for and others not so much. We've all seen the reality shows where one party has moved on and the other is left down trodden. Well I started out thinking that that's the way it would be to avoid disappointment. I'm thrilled to say that my father was glad to hear from me, my aunt was excited to hear from me, and some cousins as well... I don't look back, I'm not about to rehash old things that no longer exist. But I am about new beginnings... I have been truly blessed.

Testimony

Many people have a tremendous testimony. Of being led to God through parental influences, accidents, fears, and misery. I used to think my testimony was not anything amazing. However, I do not remember a time when I was not absolutely positive of God’s love for me. I do not ever remember questioning the existence of God, even in my deepest suffering. I do remember being touched and convicted to my core when I attended church. I remember how defensive I got when others questioned Christ in front of me. And how frustrated I felt at not having a better answer to how I know God exists. My answer has always been and remains “Because I do”. Part of me wishes I had some amazing story of divine countenance that brought me to the Lord. I was told once that I should have a testimony that includes how I’ve suffered and come to God. I’ve always known the Lord as my perfect Father. The Father everyone should have but does not. I have stories of suffering, some real doozies even, but none of them made me turn to or from the Lord. There’s a saying that says “I feel all alone in a room full of people” and I’ve known that kind of loneliness. As soon as I cry out to God my sadness, loneliness, or pain He lays his hand on my heart and proves to me He has not left me. The Lord has been there for me my whole life, in my suffering I call on Him, in my joy I praise Him, I know the Lord is my Savior… because I do. - Jen

Memories

I lost a dear friend this week. The man I took care of passed on Monday. In his sleep. He was 86 and led a very good life. He always knew what to say when I was down. He always wanted to hear what I had to say, always asked me about my day, what's on my mind, and ALWAYS knew when I had a heavy heart, no matter how bright a smile I pasted on my face. He was the father I never had and I was the daughter he never had. We talked about that pretty often. He spoke often of his wife who was so beautiful. He called out for her when he was confused forgetting that she had passed years ago. It made me think about things like that. When I am gone who will have loved me so much that they can't stand living without me? He said that God had someone in mind for me, and that I was made to be loved like that too. We spent hours and hours in the Bible me reading to him to calm him or just talking about what had been taught in church that week. Some nights he couldn't sleep and we would sing hymns for hours. The sleepless nights were laden with some of the most precious moments of my life. And as heart wrenching as it was to watch him deteriorate, and watch his mind slip away, he's still one of the best friends I'll ever have. I'll treasure every talk, every smile, every hug,every kind word he spoke to me, and every tear we shed together. Here's to an amazing friend!

Blindsided

I got home from Idaho and a week later was greeted by a text. You know that feeling when something just isn't right? I got my heart broken, through text messaging no less. Talk about adding insult to injury. That day I cried. I had forgotten what being in, and consequently ending a relationship felt like. The next day I got mad, irritated, and frustrated. And the day after I got kind of depressed, wishing he'd change his mind. I just flew through the 5 stages of grief by doubling up some days. By day 10 I was numb and have now found acceptance. (the 5th stage) Okay well I actually accepted it alot earlier. My question is, why did I have to move out of Idaho for the men in Idaho to become interested in me? Seriously. I have another one now. Polar opposite of the last one, and I'm beginning to think that's a good thing. I'm kind of keeping him at arms length because I don't want the pressure of "when are you moving back to Idaho?" everyday like before. Slow and steady before I drive myself crazy. Sarah and I are trying to move into our own place here and it's the CUTEST house ever! Crossing fingers

Our trip to Idaho

Well Sarah and I left Friday morning to head to Idaho. We were hoping to get to Winnemucca and spend the night then finish the drive Saturday and go to church with Jeremy Saturday night. We made it to Donner's Pass and I put the chains on the truck as required. I put them on the front because I am used to front wheel drive vehicles and I guess I'm an idiot. I had them checked by California State chain check crew people guys and they said they were fine. ANYWAY~ I heard a horrible sound and my engine died and I started sliding backward. I got the truck to the side of the road and stopped and went out to investigate. The chains had ripped through the firewall and shredded some wires. The harness was a mess and evidently the wires controlled the fuel pump and the ABS and stuff. Important to have working on a vehicle. Well a tow truck came by and told me and Sarah to stay in the truck while he loaded it. Then he got in his tow truck and Sarah and I rode in my truck on the flatbed all the way to Nyack. He finally let us out and put us in the cab of his truck where there was no seat belt for Sarah. He said it wasn't necessary. I rigged her into mine. He towed us back to Colfax and dropped Sugar (my truck) off at the mechanics which of course was closed, and took Sarah and I to the only motel in town. After, of course, I paid $350.00 to be towed 25 miles. The next morning we woke up and the mechanic told us that the part would have to be ordered since it was discontinued and that it would take until Thursday at least to get it. Sarah and I boarded a bus headed to Boise at 2pm that afternoon. The Nintendo DS only amused her for so long.... 31 hours later we finally made it to Boise. Sunday night. We spent 8 hours in the SLC bus terminal and then we spent another hour because there was a problem with the bus. We made it safe and sound to Miss Marie's house by 9:30 that night and went to bed. We had a wonderful week while we were in Boise. Took some friends out to lunch, took Sarah, Christian, Aubree, and Nick to Chuck E. Cheese, and spent some nice time with Miss Marie reading books, buying books, talking and just chilling. Jeremy and Miss Marie drove Sarah and I to Winnemucca where Mom met us and took us to Colfax from there. Sugar came through with minimal damage and I was elated to get my truck back. On the drive home I spent some quality time with the Lord about things that were weighing on my mind. And of course praise that we made the trip unscathed. I miss Idaho.

My Tragic Lament.... LOL

The letter never written
The things never said,
The tears never cried
Are running through my head.

So many times I wanted,
Simply ached to say
"I love you and I miss you
I needed you today."

There were times that I desired
The strength to reach to you
To be the first to bridge the gap
Separating me from you.

But something always stopped me,
A fear, a doubt, a sigh
Deep down I knew it was inevitable
That you would say goodbye.

Jen Grimm 20 April 2010

Ode to the Ex(es)

Just a funny little poem I wrote... unfinished but still fun.

There really is no simple way
To say what's to be said.
"I've failed you, or you've failed me"
"There's moments I regret."

"You're too loud, and mean and cruel"
"It isn't you, it's me."
"I'm focused on my job right now"
"It isn't meant to be"

"I'm in love with someone else"
"Your mother is a pain"
"You want kids, I don't, you lose"
"There's nothing left to gain."

"I never meant to break your heart"
"I'm sorry you are hurt"
"I want to be your friend, I swear
For whatever that is worth."

"I'm scared of you, I'm scared of love"
"I'm just too scared to try"
"You'll never be enough for me"
"I've found another guy"

"Don't love you now, I never did"
"Just wanted in your pants"
"I tried to tell you so many times"
"Can't give us one more chance"

To these men I have to say
I loved you each one time
But you've given me some thoughts today
I've even made them rhyme.

Jen Grimm 27 April 2010
Come on that was pretty witty! An original ode to the exs.

Prayer

God whispers my name
Just as gently as He can.
He breathes strength upon me
When I don't think I can stand.

His arms are opened wide
For me to step into.
When I don't think I can
He says "I'll carry you."

My Jesus my God is there
When the light fades from my eyes.
When my heart begins to grieve
It's really no surprise.

He wraps me in His warm embrace,
He puts His hand beneath my chin,
He gently coaxes then waits for me,
To raise my eyes and talk to Him.

It doesn't matter what I say
Or the emotions I go through,
He'll listen to me for hours,
Absolutely any time I choose.

I can lay down my confusion
I can give Him all my sorrow,
I can cry to Him in anger
For all my fears about tomorrow.

His fingers sweep across my cheeks
To brush the tears away,
He's my Dearest Comforter
When all I feel is pain.

His hand stays out to steady me
Until I think I've found my feet.
He's the song inside my heart,
Played in every single beat.

He's my Master and my Savior
My very Dearest Friend.
And when I'm finished here,
In His arms is where I'll end.

Jen Grimm
22 April 2010

April

Well.... God is merciful and full of grace for sure. I decided to be smart/stupid and buy p90x today. It should be here in a couple of weeks and I guess we will see how that goes. I think I'll start a whole new page for that. I added hours to my schedule so now I am working 132 a week. I thought it would be too much for me but I'm doing it for several reasons. I'm pretty happy with my life right now. Fell in love and got my heart broke. At least I know I am capable of falling in love and I know Im not afraid to do it. I was working harder to save for the future I thought i could have. Now Im saving for the future I can have. i just have no clue what it is. About 10 minutes ago i ordered my first course in Biblical Studies and am so excited to get it and get started. My God is amazing! He really has my back. Well off to bed ladies and gentlemen.

March 2010

Well March first marked my 27th birthday. I have to say it was one of the best ones I've had. Jeremy flew down from Idaho to spend the weekend with me. We took Sarah to FUNWORKS and basically just hung out and had fun spending time together. Mom made supper and we invited Aunt Terry and cousin Billy to have supper with us. Aunt Terry made a big fuss over "checking out" Jeremy to see if he's "worthy". It was pretty fun. Mom and Neener bought me a Nintendo DS which was pretty cool. Jeremy found Huckleberry Soda for me which is one of my FAVORITE things that I haven't found anywhere but in Montana. After that Auntie said he passed.

Sarah is doing well here. She has a business picking up dog poo and she is doing well in both school and her tutoring.

Sarah and I are thinking about moving back to Idaho though in search of something else. There is nothing really wrong with my life now but I work too many hours and don't see Sarah all that often and I'm just a country girl at heart. It's just time to go home I think.

I'm really seeking God's direction for me. I'm scared and very unsure but I just really want something more.

2010

Well 2009 brought about some changes to our family for sure. My uncle I did not know well passed away. A bit of sadness to bring the family closer. It seems like that is the way God works sometimes. I was blessed with a job. A really good job doing something I already have a calling for. I went from not working at all to working 96-122 hours a week. We moved away from home which is fine but I find myself feeling homesick for the Pacific Northwest. No matter where I was born or where I live now I guess I'm just a country tater girl at heart and always will be.
I've been blessed with a ministry of sorts and am trying to wrap my brain around the way God's using me now. The biggest news of 2010 however is my renewed friendship with someone from back home. The renewed friendship with a wonderful man of God who is truly my best friend. Someone I can trust with anything and everything and I do.
I was able to buy my dream vehicle this year a 2000 Dodge Dakota Sport. I had a magazine picture of one on my bedroom wall when I was 16. Now I own one and I named it Sugar. It feels good to accomplish something without having to lean on someone else. Well other than leaning on God's grace.
For the last 5 months I haven't been able to tell whether I'm coming, going, or just went but it's been such a crazy beautiful mess of a life filled with God's faithfulness and glory.
Joe is still in Idaho. Still working at Wal Mart and I miss my brother an awful lot. Mom is working as the Human Resources of the business so she gets to work from home and continue going to school online. She also takes care of Sarah while I'm working which is good because daycare costs would be horrible.
I am thinking of moving back home this summer to start my life ....... again. But I am trying to be content listening for God's perfect will and His perfect timing. Sarah and I are going to take a week long vacation to Idaho soon and we're both so excited to go. I turn 27 next week and my best friend is flying in to be here for me. THAT is the BEST gift a girl could ask for! The Lord is so good to me!